I started this a while ago, but didn’t have anywhere to share it. California’s tussle with Elsevier gave me reason to update it, so here you go. By all means hear it in your favorite singer’s voice. I favor Rita Moreno, myself.

Never know how much I’d read you
Never know how much I’d click
When you straight-up overcharge me
I get a fever makes my budget sick

(chorus below)
You give me fever when you dis me
Fever when you NDA
Fever!… when you Big Pigs
Make me sign the library away

Journal Big Deals in science
Ebooks the humanities
We do their work when they call our name
They still make us pay APCs


Germany has got the fever
Got it from V-S-N-U
Fever isn’t such a rare thing
Sweden’s gone and got it too

(instrumental interlude, for a change)

All those California budgets
Shattered by the NPG
Elsevier tried double-dipping
But they couldn’t get past old UC


Now you’ve listened to my story
Here’s the point of my tirade
Pigs exist to give you fever
To make you broke and lonely and afraid!

They give you fever when they dis you
Fever if you live and learn
Fever when they piss you
Off—an awful way to burn
What an awful way to burn
What an awful way to burn
What an awful way to burn…

Right now bits and pieces of a “Data Breach Tango” are rattling around in the back of my head. We had it comin’! We had it comin’! We had it comin’ all the time…